The messaging that shame drives change runs deep in our culture. It’s especially pervasive in health and fitness spaces, says Jessi Kneeland, a personal trainer turned body image coach and author of Body Neutral: A Revolutionary Guide to Overcoming Body Image Issues. “Society tells us that poor health is a character failing, and that the way to feel good about ourselves is by getting in shape.”
But just because the idea is common doesn’t make it true.
“Shame may get you started, but it’s not enough to carry you through,” says Kneeland. “Health and fitness changes are slow. If you feel fundamentally unworthy, it’s easy to feel like you’re failing and get off track.”
The Shame Game
Many of us have been taught to believe that shame, while a negative feeling, is a useful tool. If someone is convinced that their body, their eating or movement habits, their physical abilities, or their other attributes are shameful, the thinking goes, they may try to course correct. They might eat less and move more until they get healthy.
Meanwhile, they can wear their shame as a cloak, signaling to others that they are working on the “problem.”
Yet research shows that shame is not the most effective motivator.
One study comparing fitness classes led by an instructor using appearance-focused language (“Blast that cellulite!”) with classes led by a function-focused instructor (“You’re getting stronger with every step!”) found that the latter experience led to greater improvements in positive affect and body satisfaction. Meanwhile, those in the appearance-focused class experienced more self-objectification and were more likely to report feeling ashamed than the participants who attended the other class.
The “tough love” mentality is not only counterproductive — it can be downright harmful.
At the 2019 Canadian Obesity Summit, presenters argued that exposure to weight bias and discrimination actually increases the likelihood of weight gain. Fat shaming also correlates with depression, anxiety, and an increased risk of cardiovascular disease, type 2 diabetes, and stroke.
Perhaps there’s no better illustration of the self-defeating nature of shame than The Biggest Loser.
The reality show, which featured contestants competing to lose the greatest percentage of their body weight, was framed as inspirational. Yet contestants were frequently berated by their trainers and subjected to humiliating challenges.
Most did lose weight. But a longitudinal study found that six years after the show ended, the majority of contestants had regained most of the weight they’d lost, and several were heavier than when they started.
What’s more, the pressure left some contestants feeling worse about themselves, no matter the number on the scale.
“I left with a very poor mental body image,” contestant Kai Hibbard said on The Early Show. “I found myself loathing what I looked like the more weight I dropped because of the pressure on me.”
Breaking Free
Releasing yourself from shame can feel like an uphill battle when you live in a culture so deeply steeped in it. Flip the script with these strategies.
(Re)educate yourself. Dismantling shame starts by recognizing and challenging the unhealthy beliefs you may not realize you’ve been holding. “Shame-based messages are so deeply ingrained, you need to actively unlearn them,” says Kneeland.
Practice self-compassion. Research shows that adopting a more loving attitude toward yourself counteracts shame and boosts resilience. When you speak to yourself with kindness and compassion, you’re more likely to overcome inevitable hurdles.
Watch your language. Words matter. “It’s easy to throw around morally charged language without really reflecting on what it means,” Kneeland explains.
Get curious about the words you use and what they imply. “If you use the term ‘cheat day,’ for example, ask yourself, What am I cheating on?” Be especially mindful around kids, whose blueprints for self-worth are just being formed.
Connect with your intuition. Many of us believe that if we aren’t hard on ourselves, we’ll fall apart. But Kneeland suggests that we trust in the body’s innate orientation toward health.
“Our bodies are designed to move, and to feel good when we choose foods that nourish and energize us. We thrive when we trust in those intuitive, natural inclinations toward what feels right.”
This article originally appeared as “Shame and Motivation” in the May/June 2026 issue of Experience Life.
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