Jennifer and Dave first met in the fall of 2010, when a mutual friend invited them to a Minneapolis brewpub. They soon became a couple. When Dave shared his autism diagnosis with Jennifer, she responded with curiosity.
“One of the first things I did when Dave told me he is a person with autism is to learn more about it,” she recalls. She also notes that “there wasn’t a lot of information out there at the time.”
Dave is aware that his autism affects his relationships. “My personal feeling is that autism is sort of similar to how nearsightedness works,” he explains. “You can still see when you’re nearsighted, but everything’s out of focus. I can tell when someone is sad or angry or happy; it’s just that the details are fuzzy.”
This fuzziness around the details can be challenging for a romantic partner. “A good example is during our second Christmas together,” Jennifer says. “I got Dave a present, and he had nothing for me. I was upset and hurt by that. When we got home from my parents’ house, he could tell I was upset. I finally asked him, ‘Why didn’t you get me anything?’ And he said, ‘I didn’t know what to get.’ I told him I was dropping clues.”
Dave remembers his response. “I was like, ‘There were clues?’”
Jennifer and Dave aren’t alone. Many couples are challenged by their different styles of relating, and when one or both partners is neurodivergent, those differences can feel insurmountable. Yet with patience, curiosity, and mutual respect, these couples can develop a common language. And for some, their differences make them even stronger.
Neurodivergence and Neurodiversity
Neurodivergence is a nonmedical term. It simply means operating with a brain that works differently from the average or “neurotypical” person. One could reasonably argue that there’s no standard brain against which all others can be compared, but there do appear to be patterns of perception and behavior fitting a “neurotypical” description, as well as patterns that diverge from it with some consistency.
Neurodiversity is also a nonmedical term; it acknowledges the neurological spectrum without pathologizing differences between neurotypes. Australian sociologist Judy Singer first coined the term in the 1990s to describe autism; it now encompasses attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), Tourette’s syndrome, synesthesia, dyslexia, and more. Singer’s contributions helped shift the thinking about neurological differences away from a deficit-based model and toward a strength-based approach.
Other social and cultural factors — such as race, gender, class, sexual orientation, age, and age of diagnosis — also play a role in how a person with neurodivergence experiences the world, and how others perceive them.
For example, children with autism who are Black are more likely to be wrongly diagnosed with conduct disorder than their white counterparts, which can reinforce cultural stereotypes of Black kids as troublemakers. This can affect how these children function in relationships, including with their intimate partners, when they reach adulthood.
“When an individual is neurodivergent, they are likely to see the world, think, and communicate in a different manner than someone who is considered neurotypical,” says Nicole Knowlton, AMFT, a relationship therapist who specializes in working with neurologically mixed couples. A neurodivergent person might avoid parties, for example, if overstimulation is an issue for them. Or if they have trouble managing impulsivity, they may tend to interrupt others in conversation.
In addition to impulsivity and sensory overwhelm, other neurodivergent patterns that may create partnership challenges include attention issues — which can include both distraction and hyperfocus — as well as difficulty with reading nonverbal cues, such as Dave missing Jennifer’s hints about Christmas gifts.
In tandem with these challenges, neurodivergent people often possess singular strengths. A person with dyslexia, for example, may struggle to process written language but be better at visualizing three-dimensional objects. This might allow them to excel at tasks involving art, engineering, design, and more. An inclination toward hyperfocus and an ability for unconventional thinking can also be a real gift, especially when it comes to creativity.
In short, there’s nothing deficient about neurodivergence.
“It’s a benefit to have a systematized way of describing the ways our brains are different,” says Emily Nagoski, PhD, author of Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections. “[It] allows us to make space for and understand each other.”
Nagoski, who was diagnosed with autism as an adult, has written about how her neurodivergence may have contributed to her career as a sex educator. She points out that she has always been comfortable discussing sex in detail — without falling back on cutesiness or innuendo — something she says neurotypical people often feel too self-conscious to do.
When Different Neurotypes Fall in Love
Jennifer and Dave are a “neurologically mixed” couple. In these cases, one partner is neurotypical while the other is neurodivergent, or both people are neurodivergent but in different ways.
“If you have a relationship with two brains in it, you have a neurodiverse relationship,” says Nagoski. “But a neurodivergent brain is different from typical brains in important ways.”
These differences can have a real impact on how neurodivergent people navigate their social relationships.
Every couple struggles with communication from time to time, but in neurologically mixed relationships, conflicts often arise because of differences in how each partner processes information. This can lead to both partners feeling misunderstood.
For example, it may be difficult for the neurotypical partner to understand how much effort is required for their neurodivergent partner to, say, go to the grocery store. The neurotypical person might find that errand inconvenient, while the neurodivergent partner might have to prepare for the bright lights, loud noises, and small talk at the register — all of which can overload their circuits.
“It is also common for the neurodivergent partner to feel like they have to explain themselves constantly, which leads to hypervigilance, guilt, and shame,” explains therapist Yolanda Renteria, LPC, NCC. “This … leads to a dynamic where both partners feel on edge whenever conflict arises.”
This dynamic can also leave neurodivergent partners feeling like their partner doesn’t understand or appreciate them. Meanwhile, neurotypical partners may feel frustrated, let down, or like they are the only ones who compromise.
6 Ways to Overcome Common Conflicts
Neurologically mixed relationships often feature challenges with communication, emotional regulation, and coparenting. These suggestions can help you navigate differences with compassion and acceptance.
1) Practice nondefensive communication.
Because of differences in how they understand the world, partners in neurologically mixed relationships often feel misunderstood. This is a recipe for defensiveness.
“If one partner has ADHD and is often distracted or forgetful, a partner who functions in a more neurotypical way may interpret forgetfulness as a sign of lack of caring and love, and go straight to hurt, anger, and resentment,” says therapist Michele Michaelson, LMFT.
This can snowball quickly. “If the forgetful partner is then accused of not caring, they may go straight to defensiveness and feel hopelessly misunderstood,” she adds. “And if each partner gets stuck in thinking that their interpretation of their partner is the ‘correct’ one, and they stop listening to each other, then they can end up in a sad and disconnected place.”
To minimize the tendency to jump to conclusions, practice clear and direct communication, especially when discussing sensitive topics. State what you want and need in unambiguous, impersonal terms that require no decoding: “I would like these bike panniers for my birthday.” “Please pick up cat food on your way home from work.”
Depending on your communication styles, you might also agree to conversational ground rules, such as taking turns speaking and setting a time limit on how long discussions will last.
If face-to-face conversations are difficult for the neurodivergent partner, writing letters to one another may help. This is a clear way to communicate needs without eye contact.
Research has shown that the brains of people with autism have higher-than-normal activity in pathways that process facial expressions when making eye contact; written communication can alleviate the stress of trying to “read” another person.
2) Ask questions.
Curiosity can be a powerful tool for overcoming defensiveness. It can also help you work through disagreements and reframe some of your partner’s behaviors.
Sometimes we assume our partners are trying to make our lives harder, Nagoski says. “You could continue to think that. Or you could ask your partner, ‘What’s going on with this?’”
Curiosity frees us from our negative assumptions and creates new avenues for exploration.
One of the superpowers of neurologically mixed relationships is how they can help us widen our perspectives, open our minds, and realize how much we don’t know about our partners. “The benefits include the feeling of going outside of one’s own little bubble to truly care for a unique and worthy human being in your partner,” Michaelson says.
In neurodiverse relationships, especially when partners have different neurotypes, it takes intentional effort to understand one another. Cultivating curiosity can help. Laurie Budlong-Morse, LMFT, recommends the following prompts to help guide you toward meaningful conversations with your partner:
- Ask yourself: What is one strength of my brain that I appreciate?
- Ask your partner: “What is one thing about my brain you’d like to better understand?”
You can also ask questions about your partner’s motivations, insecurities, and expectations — and share yours. Writing down the answers for future reference may also be helpful.
3) Focus on your partner’s strengths.
Another tool for navigating conflict is to remind yourself what you appreciate about your partner, including those aspects that may stem directly from their neurotype. It helps if you share your appreciation with them too: Not only does this offer you both some positive reinforcement, but it also helps reframe some of your mutual challenges in a more neutral light — or even a positive one.
“My husband’s loyalty and his creativity are both facets of his neurotype — ADHD — and his personality,” Nagoski explains. “His loyalty extends not just to me but to every object we own, and he struggles with keeping things longer than we need them.”
She prefers fewer things in their shared space, so his attachment to objects can present a challenge for her. Yet she’s also able to see how it connects to the loyalty she appreciates in him. “If I can reframe his clutter as he’s kindly loyal to the objects we bring in the house, then I no longer feel like there’s all this stuff all over my house.”
4) Use fights as growth opportunities.
In a neurodiverse relationship, your partner will almost always interpret experiences differently from you, often in ways you may not be able to fully understand. This can easily lead to conflict. These moments may be unpleasant, but they can also be key opportunities to get to know each other better, which can strengthen your bond.
“In a relationship, we’re always writing and rewriting the ‘instruction manual of me’ and giving insight into what we need, like, don’t like, and how we feel loved,” Michaelson says. “We learn about what needs to be in the instruction manual through trial and error. That’s why fights are an opportunity to learn.”
Michaelson suggests asking yourself the following questions when misunderstandings and fights occur:
- What went wrong?
- What did I not understand?
- What did my partner not understand?
- How can we both do things differently in the future to connect a little better?
5) Take time to process.
Because sensory and emotional overwhelm are common challenges for many neurodivergent people, taking a break when emotions run high can help you resolve conflicts more quickly with less damage. Some neurotypes may need physical time away to regulate and may feel reluctant to reengage lest they become dysregulated again. This reluctance can lead to unresolved issues, increased resentments, and disconnection that worsens over time, Knowlton says.
Neurodivergence can also make it harder to take space during conflict, especially if it elicits feelings of abandonment and escalates emotions. Many neurodivergent people have attachment issues, even if they grew up in otherwise loving families. A neurotypical parent may not understand, for example, why their child doesn’t routinely make eye contact with them. This can lead to trouble with bonding.
To help couples create a time-out process that supports reconnection, Knowlton uses a tool developed by neurodiverse couples specialist Harry Motro, PsyD, LMFT. These time-out plans may involve agreeing upon a specified amount of time apart for you both to process the conversation and your emotions. It can also involve creating points of connection during the time-out, such as sending check-in text messages, writing emails, or making short phone calls.
These agreements allow you to stay connected with your partner as you both process your emotions and regulate your nervous systems. Especially for neurodiverse couples, time-out plans can offer a faster route to resolution than continuing to dig in your heels.
6) Seek professional support.
Don’t underestimate the challenge of your neurological differences. A therapist who has experience working with neurodiverse couples can help you solve present challenges and avoid others before they develop and become entrenched. Understanding how your partner processes information and emotions is the first step toward honoring your differences and learning to set realistic expectations.
“Learning to communicate in an open-minded, respectful way isn’t difficult,” Michaelson says, “but it is a skill that we need to learn and cultivate if we weren’t raised with good models.”
The Gift of Difference
One of the most difficult aspects of neurodiverse relationships may be their propensity for conflict and misunderstanding. This can also be one of their greatest strengths.
Differences with our partners can be terrific motivation to overcome our own limitations. Jennifer seized her moment of Christmas disappointment to learn to change how she communicates with Dave — and everyone else in her life. Like many people, her communication style reflected what she learned growing up.
“I was 40 and realizing I didn’t know how to ask people for things,” she says. “Instead of saying, ‘It’d be nice if someone took out the trash,’ I’ve had to learn to say, ‘Dave, can you take out the trash today?’ and he’s often like, ‘Yeah, I can actually do that right now!’”
This change is good for both of them. Jennifer gets her needs met, and her directness frees Dave from the anxiety of not knowing what to do. “It’s 100 percent honesty all the time, and I’m here for that,” she says.
Dave has made his own transformative changes, including addressing childhood trauma with the help of a therapist. “As I got older and more comfortable, things were coming up that my body was registering as danger,” he says. “I was dealing with them with what my therapist calls ‘maladaptive coping mechanisms,’ like drinking and smoking.”
Today he’s replaced drinking and smoking with self-care strategies like drinking plenty of water and getting enough good sleep.
The couple still has off days, but they know they’re in each other’s corner. “When people tell me that Dave needs to do something the way everyone else does,” Jennifer says, “I tell them, ‘Nah, I don’t think so.’”
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