Two practices may make the difference between recovering from depression and getting stuck. One is connection and the other is self-acceptance.
These are two sides of the same coin. Connection involves cultivating authentic relationships with others, and self-acceptance means creating an authentic relationship with yourself. Yet our brains often experience a major block to self-acceptance: the negativity bias.
Imagine you’re having a quarterly review at work, or someone has just given you feedback on your box jump or poetry manuscript or parenting style. Most of the response is positive, but there’s one wee piece of negative feedback.
Which part of the conversation lingers in your brain? If it’s solely the negative part, you’re not alone. Positive feedback typically disappears into the ether, while negative feedback is much stickier.
There may be an evolutionary reason for this: When our early ancestors were foraging for plants to eat, they needed to remember which ones previously made them sick. Recalling the negative — in this case, the poisonous plants — would help ensure they survived.
Even if your boss’s feedback won’t kill you, you’re still likely to ruminate, analyze, and try to explain it. Furthermore, if you’re like many people, you’ll internalize it and turn it into self-criticism.
This overprocessing is a major obstacle to self-acceptance. Without awareness, we may become preoccupied with avoiding criticism rather than working for positive change.
We can escape these loops. If we practice savoring the positive, it helps balance the asymmetry. It’s also freeing when we treat our negative habits with more kindness.
There’s a quote from psychologist Carl Rogers describing what he calls a curious paradox: “When I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” The following meditation can help.
Self-Acceptance Meditation
- Settle in as comfortably as you can. This may mean sitting, standing, or lying down. Quiet your mind. Tune in to your body and notice how you are holding yourself. See whether there’s any way to make yourself even more comfortable.
- Notice the earth supporting you. Allow yourself to feel grounded, even rooted, in the earth. Bring awareness to your breathing. There’s no need to do anything; just breathe in and out at a comfortable, normal pace. You might notice how the thinking part of your mind begins to settle down.
- Shift your focus from your breathing to the heart center in the middle of your chest. Allow the heart center to be as open and still as possible. If you’re having trouble feeling your heart center, recall an experience when you felt grateful or moved. You might notice a sense of warmth or expansion — or not. Whatever you’re feeling is fine. Accept that, in this moment, you’re doing the best you can.
- Broaden your attention to your whole body. Notice any physical pain or discomfort you might be feeling. There’s no need to change it right now; you can just invite it in and hold it lightly. Next, scan your mind and heart to see whether you’re carrying any emotional pain, any sense of heaviness, fear, shame, or regret. Gently invite these feelings to be part of the experience. Breathing in, notice what you’re feeling. Breathing out, say to yourself, Can I just be with this, at least for this moment? Then imagine releasing your grip on your emotions and your emotions releasing their grip on you.
- Turn your awareness toward your stories and beliefs about yourself. These might include things you’ve done wrong or things that are wrong with you. See if you can allow one or two of those beliefs to rise into your awareness. Invite yourself to release them. You might ask yourself: Is this story I’ve told myself really true? Consider that it might not be.
- Bring yourself back to your body. See if you can find a sense of appreciation and gratitude for your body and for simply being here, right now. Take a couple of deep breaths and look for a sense of release as you breathe out.
- Let your eyes open. Come back to the space you’re in. Sense how it feels to be there without trying to change yourself, without striving for perfection or accomplishment, without trying to please anyone else. Just be exactly as you are, right here and now.
Feels pretty good, doesn’t it?
This article originally appeared as “Seeking Self-Acceptance” in the November/December 2024 issue of Experience Life.
