Let’s start with a statement so obvious that it seems beside the point: Whatever we do in this life, others do too. Whether it’s playing sports, parenting, cooking, sealing a deal — you name it — other people are engaging in the same activity, and some of them are going to show up in our world.
For many people, it’s easy to celebrate the fact that others are engaged in our pursuits — we can feel fellowship with them, learn from them, or take them under our wing as students. We can also compete with them in necessary and healthy ways, developing our skills even further.
For some of us, though, a natural drive to compete and improve can turn toxic. A lively desire to rack up more points than our opponent can flip the fun of a game into a fear of being bested and a compulsive desire to win at any cost. The need to be better than can invade aspects of our lives where it doesn’t belong.
And the drive can turn on us, too, creating a competition with ourselves that we can never win.
The result? Frustration, anxiety, flagging self-worth, even damaged relationships.
Brie Vortherms, MA, LMFT, a marriage and family therapist as well as the director of Life Time Mind, an internal coaching program at Life Time, offers some clarifying insights about why we compete, why competitiveness can turn compulsive, and what we can do to detoxify the competitive urge when it gets out of hand.
Hint: It’s about self-acceptance.
Stress Source
Our culture sees competitiveness as inherently good and idolizes winners. “Most of our society is focused on performance-based esteem, which means I matter more when I win, in school, athletically, in business, wherever,” says Vortherms. “The personal corollary is I only like myself when I’m doing as well as or better than somebody else.”
You see your competitive drive as an advantage. Given the general cultural attitude, hypercompetitiveness may seem like a competitive advantage. Through this lens, “healthy competition” sounds like just another name for not quite giving something your all. But, Vortherms notes, “if it’s only about winning, you’re setting yourself up for a really narrow way to feel good.”
You don’t realize that your competitiveness has turned toxic. Perhaps the line between healthy competition and toxic competitiveness has blurred, and you can no longer tell whether your mindset has slipped toward the toxic end of the spectrum.
You compete with everybody about everything. You’ve always loved to win at tennis and golf — and now you find yourself compelled to bring the most delicious and elaborate dish to a potluck or to buy a fancier car than your neighbor’s, even if doing so is beyond your abilities or stretches your budget to the breaking point. “The toxic competitive urge can drive people to be immoderate in the way they live their lives — to prove they matter,” Vortherms says.
You overcompete with yourself too. Striving for personal bests is healthy as long as it doesn’t turn into a grim struggle and an unwillingness to accept your own limits.
You take on more than you can handle. Once overcompetitiveness with yourself takes root in your mind, it’s easy to overcommit and overwork, which can put a strain on you, your resources, and your relationships.
You resist setting goals because you’re afraid that you’ll fall short. Eventually, toxic self-competitiveness can become paralyzing. “This is perfectionism,” says Vortherms. “If I can’t do it the very best, and if I can’t guarantee that I’m going to be successful, I’m just not going to do it at all. This can send you into a functional freeze and shut you down.” In the end, it can become easier to have no goals at all than to risk not meeting them.
Success Strategies
1) Look for the signs of hypercompetitiveness. Vortherms recommends paying attention to the ways that your competitiveness may be sliding toward the toxic end of the spectrum. Indications of toxic competitiveness include growing competitive in more areas of your life (even where it doesn’t fit); becoming competitive with others to an extent that damages relationships; losing pleasure in competition as the drive to win takes over; feeling that you’re worthless unless you are the best; and avoiding setting goals for fear of falling short or not winning.
2) Understand the relationship between hypercompetitiveness and self-worth. Vortherms identifies a few personas that she thinks are inherent in all of us: “There’s the inner wounded child, who doesn’t feel worthy, feels unprotected, feels less than,” she says. “And there’s also the inner teenager, who’s out there trying to prove that I matter to earn space in the world by being better than. This part of us can be rigid; it’s the part, I think, that shows up in toxic competition.” We stake our entire self-worth on beating someone else.
But there is also a third part of us — the grownup or functional adult who understands moderation and inherent worth, Vortherms notes. This is the part we want to have in charge.
3) Develop self-compassion. Vortherms recommends that once we’re aware of our inner needy child and rigid adolescent, we extend compassion to both of them, offering them love and acceptance while denying them the power to run our life.
4) Focus on your progress rather than your perceived victories over others. “If I want to feel differently about competition and have it be more friendly, more relational, less toxic, I need to give up the extremes of less than and better than,” Vortherms says. “Win or lose, your muscles and your brain are learning something new. You can enjoy the effort and be proud of yourself at the end of the day for putting in the effort.”
5) Change your internal language about competition. “The thoughts and beliefs we create by the language we use in our inner dialogues powerfully affect how we feel — and then show up in the world,” she points out. “So, what story are we telling ourselves as we move into a competitive situation: I’ve got to win? Or I’m here to enjoy this process; I’m excited to learn more?”
Over time, modifying your internal dialogue can help you find more pleasure in the growth process instead of fixating on the final win.
6) Practice gratitude. One of the best ways to shift into a healthy mindset around competition is by practicing gratitude, Vortherms says. Making lists of what you are grateful for in your life is one good way. “Gratitude helps you shift your focus from What more do I need? How can I keep acquiring or succeeding? to I’m happy with what I currently have.”
7) Substitute vision for competition. Vortherms also emphasizes that curbing your overactive urge for competition doesn’t mean settling for stasis in your life. “Some people get worried that if they’re practicing gratitude, they’re not going to keep moving forward,” she says. “But yes, you get to have a vision for how you keep growing.”
She points out that if you’re grateful for what you already have, your happiness and well-being aren’t tied to achieving your goals. “You can be happy with the life you have at every stage while building the life you desire,” she says. “If you’re abundant in gratitude, you can still be abundant in vision; the two values don’t have to be separate.”
Renewal
For more inspiration and strategies to overcome life’s challenges, please visit our Renewal department.
This article originally appeared as “Friendlier Competition” in the January/February 2025 issue of Experience Life.
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