Our parents spent years helping us develop from helpless little bundles of need into independent adults — a favor many adult children want to return. We get that chance as our parents reach an age when they need help negotiating life’s challenges.
Yet aiding Mom and Dad when their bodies weaken and, in some cases, when their minds decline is one of the most stressful things we face as adults.
We have to rethink and renegotiate our relationship with those who raised us. We have to find ways to guide them without dominating them. We have to take into account their unique personalities as well as the physical, emotional, and cognitive changes they experience as they age.
Meanwhile, worries loom in the background: Will there be enough money and support? Will I make mistakes that damage my relationship with my parents permanently? Will arguments with siblings about our parents’ care damage those relationships?
Social worker and attorney Jane Wolf Frances, MSW, JD, author of Parenting Our Parents and the founder of the Parenting Our Parents online support community, offers some recommendations for making the profound transition to parental caregiver. By prioritizing practicalities, allowing space for all emotions, and practicing self-care, she believes adult children can support their aging parents in a way that fosters an even deeper relationship.
Stress Sources
You feel overwhelmed by the pressure, sense of responsibility, and emotions that surface as you watch your parents age. These daunting weights can leave you feeling helpless.
You feel resentful of your parents. All of us have sore points about our upbringing, Frances notes, and some of us carry long-lasting resentments or enduring conflicts with our parents that complicate the prospect of caring for them.
A parent expects more help than you can provide.“Your parent has called you a third time at 3 a.m. wanting you to come over right now, and none of those times was an emergency,” says Frances. Is it OK, or selfish, for you to say, “Mom, I’m not coming over”?
Your parents resist help. “They may be proud of their independence and not recognize how needy they are,” she notes. “So they may balk at your taking the necessary steps for their care.”
Your approach to caring for your parent conflicts with the approach that a care team, siblings, or other family members want to take. “What I’ve discovered from years of leading groups for people whose parents have Alzheimer’s is that dealing with family members, especially siblings, is one of the biggest stressors,” says Frances.
Disagreements can stem from different perceptions of the parents’ situation, she points out. “Those who live close to the parents tend to be pretty realistic about what’s going on and the need for solutions; the siblings who are farther away are often in denial.”
You feel that if you don’t “do it right,” you and your parents will suffer. The parent–child relationship brings up feelings of obligation and guilt, and — especially if you have a tendency toward perfectionism — it’s easy to feel that you’re obliged to handle this important time in their lives without a slip-up.
Success Strategies
1) Do your best to settle past or current relationship issues with your parents.
Working through old grudges or resolving enduring conflicts — potentially using a counselor or neutral third party — can clear the air and prepare all parties to handle future obstacles that could arise during this new phase of your relationship.
When resolving conflict isn’t possible, “at least find a way to make some peace with the things that troubled you earlier on or that you are not peaceful with,” says Frances.
Seeking therapy or joining a support group can be helpful. “If you absolutely can’t resolve these conflicts, and you [or your parents] still harbor resentments, it might be best for you not to take on parenting your parents.”
2) Plan ahead.
As an attorney, Frances was a careful planner when she argued cases; she recommends the same approach for supporting a parent. “I think of planning as the exact opposite of worrying,” she says.
The planning should start early — ideally, as soon as you or your parents notice they need help. It can take multiple forms, including apportioning responsibility among siblings or other family members, checking into and dealing with finances, and learning about what resources are available to your parents.
3) Ask questions.
An important aspect of care planning is a willingness to ask your parents questions that help you understand their situation and wishes for their future, says Frances. “Ask things like, ‘Dad, I understand that you’re thinking about retiring. When do you think you will? Will you and Mom move? How are you going to afford retirement? Is the house paid off? Do you need any help figuring these things out?’”
Making sure you’re on the same page also helps your parents know that you want them to have the future they envision for themselves.
4) Share responsibilities.
“I’m a fan of sharing the responsibilities for caring for parents,” Frances notes. “Share them with your own children or grandchildren, if they’re old enough, and with neighbors and friends of your parents, so the onus doesn’t fall on you alone.”
5) Widen the net of your support system.
You’re likely to know people with skills you don’t possess, and Frances strongly recommends bringing them into the care picture. “If you have a cousin who’s really skillful at accounting, maybe they could help your parents out with the banking,” she says.
If you don’t live near your parents, recruit someone who does and can be a supportive physical presence. “They could take them to the doctor, bringing a phone with so that you, who are at a distance, can ask the doctor questions.”
Frances also encourages communicating with the social workers who do discharge planning after a parent’s hospital stay. “They can be knowledgeable and helpful about resources in the community that you can draw on.”
6) Realize that being present can be enough.
As an antidote to worrying about doing the right thing every time for your parents, Frances reminds us that no one does either parenting or parent-parenting perfectly. You may not be able to answer every call or attend every appointment, but your presence — in whatever form that takes — is more important than you realize.
“So many people feel like they’re not doing enough,” she says. “But caring for a parent isn’t always about doing.” Most of the time, showing up for them as you are able to do so is the best support you can give.
7) Don’t try to manage your parents’ emotions.
Aging and facing mortality generate powerful emotions, she notes. It’s best to allow your parents to feel everything that comes up for them. Offer a listening ear when and if you are able, or help connect them with those who can.
8) Seek support for managing your own emotions and boundaries.
Similarly, it’s essential to allow yourself to feel the fears, anxieties, and other troublesome emotions that come with caring for your parents. But these feelings can be overwhelming, Frances says.
“I strongly recommend that people try to find support groups and therapists who are equipped to deal with the emotions in this process.” Professionals can also help you establish and maintain boundaries with needy or demanding parents, so that drawing a line with them doesn’t trigger guilt or shame.
9) Care for yourself.
Self-care takes forms beyond seeking professional help, she explains. It can entail remembering to do things you enjoy and decompressing with physical activities. It is also useful to remind yourself to be grateful for what you have.
10) Share joy.
As stressful as parent-parenting can be, it’s also a time that can bring real intimacy between adult children and their parents, reminding both parties of their importance to each other. Reminiscing, conveying your appreciation for who your parents are and what they do, and expressing your love for them can go a long way toward making these years better for everyone.
This article originally appeared as “The Dilemma of Parenting Your Parents” in the November/December 2024 issue of Experience Life.