Perfectionism is a trait people typically develop early in life, but you can loosen its hold at any age. The following strategies can help you find the middle place.
1) TRY THERAPY.
As a clinician, Hewitt has seen many perfectionists move away from their ingrained behavior patterns and toward happier lives through psychotherapy. Interestingly, patients often come to him seeking help for another issue, such as anxiety, depression, isolation, or a perceived failure. In fact, he and his patients don’t talk about perfectionism much at all in treatment — but rather about what lies under the surface of perfectionism.
“If you have a sore knee and you go to the emergency room,” says Paul Hewitt, PhD, a clinical psychologist and a leading expert on perfectionism, “they’re not just going to give you painkillers — hopefully.” They’re going to try to figure out what’s causing the pain and then treat the whole problem.
He says the same thing applies to perfectionism. “There’s a reason for the behavior,” and it’s often related to unmet needs. If you can identify the reason and find better ways to meet those needs, the perfectionism dissipates.
2) TALK WITH SOMEONE YOU TRUST.
Tarpley met her future husband around the time she began working with restorative narratives. She’d begun thinking about reframing her narrative but still hadn’t told anyone about her slips — everyone believed she was fully recovered.
Hiding parts of yourself is common among perfectionists, says Gordon Flett, PhD, a retired professor in the Department of Psychology at York University. “They tend to be low in self-compassion and low in acceptance of self and others.”
Sharing your struggles can reduce their power over your consciousness. A trusted friend or family member can help you break out of negative thought patterns and remind you that you’re loved just as you are.
These tendencies can make it difficult to be vulnerable around people. But Tarpley felt safe with her future husband. She also knew that she’d need to be completely truthful with him about her struggles for their relationship to be rooted in honesty. So she told him the truth about her recovery. And when he didn’t judge her but loved her all the same, she found that she was able to open up to others as well.
Sharing your struggles can reduce their power over your consciousness. A trusted friend or family member can help you break out of negative thought patterns and remind you that you’re loved just as you are.
3) PRACTICE SELF-COMPASSION.
It’s critical to address how you react when things aren’t perfect, says Flett. For example, people with perfectionistic reactivity may respond to a mistake with anger, frustration, or anxiety that feels out of proportion to the circumstances. He suggests that one way to counter this response is to “learn to be more self-compassionate and more self-accepting, as well as more compassionate.”
Practicing self-compassion helps those with perfectionism move toward the middle place, where mistakes can be seen as growth opportunities rather than as failures or character flaws.
“Self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with your failings — after all, [whoever] said you were supposed to be perfect?”
A good way to build self-compassion is through practices recommended by Kristin Neff, PhD, an associate professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas at Austin. “Self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with your failings — after all, [whoever] said you were supposed to be perfect?” Neff writes.
4) EMBRACE MISTAKES.
Bonnie Zucker, PsyD, a psychologist who specializes in the treatment of anxiety disorders and OCD, understands the value of learning to tolerate the discomfort that comes with making a mistake.
On the Speaking of Psychology podcast, Zucker describes advising a young patient with signs of perfectionism to deliberately turn in a homework assignment late, which would automatically lower the assignment grade.
The straight-A student had to step outside of her comfort zone, Zucker explains. While it may have been uncomfortable for her to fall short of expectations, the patient learned it wasn’t the end of the world. Getting a B on an assignment wasn’t going to make anyone like her less or make her any less happy.
Experiences like this can help people learn to tolerate discomfort and move closer to the middle place. “You have to actually experience it differently in order to think differently about it,” Zucker notes.
To help foster an attitude of healthy striving in young kids, she advises parents to openly accept their own mistakes in front of their children. “When parents say, ‘I messed up’ or ‘I didn’t handle that well,’ they’re modeling that it’s OK to make mistakes.”
She suggests saying things to children like, “We don’t need to be perfect” and telling them that no matter what, they are worthy of love.
When Perfection Gets in the Way
Feelings of not being good enough can lead to a drive for perfectionism that can in turn contribute to anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues. Learn more at “Struggling With Perfectionism? Try These Strategies to Loosen Its Hold,” from which this article was excerpted.
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