It might look like generosity, but the reality of people-pleasing is less sanguine. When you reflexively agree to things you can’t really afford or obligations you can’t easily honor, it takes a toll on your time, energy, and wallet.
There’s also a psychic toll. Ignoring your own wants and needs can leave you feeling hollow, anxious, resentful, and sad. “When we’re not being authentic to ourselves, when our self has no expression, that’s basically what depression is,” says trauma therapist Jane McCampbell Stuart, MA, LMFT, CPCC.
The more habitual concessions you make to others, the more your authentic self will start to recede into the background. This can lead to isolation and loneliness.
Chronic people-pleasers are also hard to read. “The other person ends up feeling exhausted and overwhelmed because they’re constantly having to do the work of reaching you and decoding what you’re saying,” says McCampbell Stuart. “They’re always second guessing: ‘Is this really you? Or are you just trying to make me happy?’
“It’s a lot of work to be in a relationship with somebody who’s not holding their own weight in the world.”
On top of that, McCampbell Stuart adds, people who minimize their own needs and make themselves small often attract others who take advantage of them. “That’s when we get those repeated relationships where people are not taken care of, not treated very well.”
Escape From People-Pleasing
Free yourself from overcommitting and reclaim your energy while bringing more authenticity to your relationships by learning more at “How to Stop Being a People-Pleaser,” from which this article was excerpted.
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