Getting Real
Giving up the people-pleasing habit takes time. You’re unlearning a behavior that’s served you in the past and may have become second nature. But the rewards are myriad. Get started on the path to greater integrity and self-care with these strategies.
1. Look inward. People-pleasers are forever looking outward, having often spent their lives focusing on other people and trying to determine whether they’re safe. This can make it hard to feel one’s own feelings.
“When we people-please, we’re not really in our body,” explains McCampbell Stuart. “We leave our body as we try to manage the other person’s energy.”
Moving beyond people-pleasing starts by turning your focus inward, she adds. This can feel unsafe at first, and unwise — like driving with your eyes closed. Still, looking inward is what allows you to begin using your own feelings to guide your decisions.
We all have an internal guidance system; yours can help you find your way without constantly checking in with others.
2. Cultivate feelings of safety. The brain is a predictive organ. If you’ve experienced threatening situations before, your brain is more likely to anticipate threats in your environment — even if you’re not in immediate danger.
You can overcome this hypervigilance by making the automatic process of scanning for danger more explicit, says McCampbell Stuart. Sit for a moment, scan your environment, then ask yourself: Is there anything here right now that’s life-threatening or dangerous? Is there a bear coming to get me? Is there an angry person coming at me? No? OK, then right now, in this second, I’m OK.
This can delay the fear response. It trains you not to automatically fear the person walking toward you, which frees you to see them as an equal rather than a threat. “We give ourselves a different experience,” she says.
3. Learn your own wants and needs. It sounds so simple — know what you want and need. But for those accustomed to putting others’ needs first, it can be shockingly difficult. Asking someone prone to people-pleasing what they need right now can legitimately stump them.
To get in touch with your core needs and preferences, begin paying attention to your body. It can be easier to identify physical needs than emotional and social ones — at least at first. Ask yourself simple questions: Am I tired? Am I thirsty? Am I hungry? Am I restless?
“Meeting our basic physical needs may seem like a small thing, but by tending to these needs time and time again, we slowly increase our sense of self-trust,” Magee explains.
Soon you can expand your awareness to needs that are more emotional or social, like relaxation, support, creativity, community, and solitude.
4. Tend to your self-esteem. Low self-esteem is another barrier to effectively communicating your wants and needs. To express those wants and needs, you must believe that you deserve to occupy some space in the world. If low self-regard is a problem for you, consider working with a therapist who can help you see yourself more accurately.
5. Change your self-talk. Start telling yourself you’re someone who can set boundaries and advocate for what you want, and it will become easier to be that person.
“Breaking the people-pleasing pattern requires us to update our self-concept,” notes Magee. “Someone who believes they’re a slacker will avoid studying for a test, and someone who believes they’re a people-pleaser will avoid setting boundaries or speaking up.” (Learn how to soften self-criticism and change your internal dialogue for the better at “6 Strategies to Improve Your Self-Talk.“)
6. Address anxiety. People with higher levels of anxiety are more sensitive to other people, worry more about others’ reactions, spend a lot of time trying to mind-read, and tend to crave attention and approval, writes Kathleen Smith, PhD, LPC, in True to You: A Therapist’s Guide to Stop Pleasing Others and Start Being Yourself. So, anything that helps quiet your anxiety — including therapy, exercise, nutritional strategies, and interventions like EMDR and somatic experiencing — can reduce a propensity for people-pleasing. (For more on EMDR, visit “How EMDR Helps to Treat Trauma.”)
7. Pause before you answer. When people-pleasing is your default setting, your instinct is to reflexively agree to any request in the moment. There’s no pause to think, What would make me happy? That’s why waiting a beat before submitting to a request can make all the difference.
“If there’s one tip I could give people-pleasers, it’s to pause before responding automatically,” says Urban. “You deserve happiness just as much as they do.”
This does not require an elaborate explanation, she adds. “If your best friend says, ‘I need you to babysit on Saturday,’ pause and say, ‘I’ll let you know later today if I’m free.’”
You can wait for a moment, an hour, a day, or a week, depending on the situation. Just make sure you pause, Urban says. “Use this time to ask yourself, Do I have the time, energy, and capacity to say yes authentically? Will saying yes lead to resentment, anxiety, frustration, or burnout? What could I say yes to that meets their needs and my own?” (Establish high-integrity relationships and a reputation for trustworthiness by learning how to stay true to your word.)
8. Set boundaries. People-pleasing may be nice, but setting boundaries is truly kind. Urban explains how this might look in response to your sister’s surprise announcement of a visit.
“Being kind means saying, ‘This weekend doesn’t work, but the next weekend and the weekend after that, we’ll all be home and would love to see you,’” she suggests.
This boundary helps ensure your sister’s visit is a success. You’ll be more relaxed and more welcoming, and everyone will have a better time.
Inviting her when you really don’t have time or energy is a recipe for resentment, adds McCampbell Stuart. “Resentment tells you that you are not honoring your own needs.”
It also poisons the well of good feelings in a relationship, which is the opposite of the people-pleasing goal. (Try the strategies at “3 Ways to Create Better Boundaries” to help create strong, clear boundaries.)
9. Get comfortable with disappointment. Setting healthy boundaries and advocating for yourself requires accepting disappointment from others. Doing so can feel awkward and scary at first, but this will pass.
“When you start setting boundaries, you’re often taking away a privilege the other person was never meant to have, like access to your kids whenever they want, or a built-in babysitter whenever they need one,” says Urban.
If someone is really upset when you say no, it might be worth asking yourself if that relationship is a balanced one. “If someone only likes me because I roll over every time they demand it, is it a healthy relationship in the first place?” she asks.
The habit of people-pleasing won’t vanish overnight, but it can be unlearned over time. As you become more authentic about what you want and need, you’re likely to feel freer, more alive, and more like yourself. And that is one of the greatest gifts you can give to others — and the world.
Escape From People-Pleasing
Free yourself from overcommitting and reclaim your energy while bringing more authenticity to your relationships by learning more at “How to Stop Being a People-Pleaser,” from which this article was excerpted.
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