4 Tips to Simplify Your Social Obligations

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TAKE A BEAT BEFORE COMMITTING

If you have a hard time saying no, you’re likely operating in people-pleasing mode, says Stern. Taking a pause can help you sync up with your own needs. When someone makes a request, don’t answer right away; tell them you’ll get back to them after you check your calendar. Then ask yourself, Do I really want to do this? (See “How to Stop Being a People-Pleaser” for tips to help you stop putting other people’s needs before your own.)

If you don’t, it’s OK to say no — without an elaborate explanation. “‘No’ is a complete sentence,” Stern notes. “It’s just that simple. But, in order to make that simple decision, you need to have a quiet mind.”

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STEP BACK FROM DRAINING RELATIONSHIPS

Sometimes people unwittingly zap our energy — particularly if they are chronically negative, are critical of us, or demand a lot without reciprocity, says Stern. If you notice yourself consistently feeling exhausted after your interactions with someone, it’s fine to take some space. This doesn’t necessarily mean eliminating them from your life; that may be impossible if they’re part of your family, workplace, or social circle. Just aim to limit your exposure. See them only in groups. Stick to neutral facts during conversations and avoid emotional topics. And when necessary, politely excuse yourself from their company.

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ALIGN YOURSELF WITH PEOPLE WHO UPLIFT YOU

It may seem obvious, but it’s perfectly acceptable to prioritize con­nections that just feel better. This one change can really improve your social life. “Emotions drive relationships,” says Stern. “When you start to recognize what feels good, and who it feels good to align yourself with, then you can invite more of that into your life.”

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EMBRACE “SCRUFFY HOSPITALITY”

Spending time with others is vital to our well-being — particularly for the many of us who report feeling isolated and lonely. Yet we often feel like we need an elaborate menu and a pristine home before inviting people over. You can avoid this pressure by embracing scruffy hospitality, a term coined by Anglican priest Jack King and shared by Oliver Burkeman in his book Meditations for Mortals.

Scruffy hospitality means you don’t insist on making your house perfectly tidy before you invite people over. Likewise, you don’t worry too much about the menu.

A good pot of soup and some wine is more than enough to offer the people you love. Wipe down the bathroom and you’re ready to host. Keep your gatherings simple and you might find yourself hosting a lot more of them. (The social equivalent of soul food, cozy home gatherings and small-group entertainments are drawing us closer — to simple pleasures and to each other. Here are just “6 Uplifting Reasons to Get Your Friends Together.”)