The Loneliness Epidemic: Why a Sense of Belonging Is Essential to Our Well-Being

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Transcript: The Loneliness Epidemic: Why a Sense of Belonging Is Essential to Our Well-Being

Season 7, Episode 15  | November 21, 2023

Jamie Martin:
Welcome to Life Time Talks, the podcast that’s aimed at helping you achieve your health, fitness, and life goals. I’m Jamie Martin, editor-in-chief of Experience Life, Life Time’s whole-life health and fitness magazine.

David Freeman:
And I’m David Freeman, director of Alpha, one of Life Time’s signature group-training programs. We’re all in different places along our health and fitness journey, but no matter what we’re working toward, there are some essential things we can do to keep moving in the direction of a healthy, purpose-driven life.

Jamie Martin:
In each episode, we break down various elements of healthy living, including fitness and nutrition, mindset and community, and health issues. We’ll also share real, inspiring stories of transformation.

David Freeman:
And we’ll be talking to experts from Life Time and beyond who will share their insights and knowledge so you have the tools and information you need to take charge of your next steps. Here we go.
Welcome back to another episode of Life Time Talks. I’m David Freeman.
Jamie Martin:
And I’m Jamie Martin.
David Freeman:
And we’re hitting on a new topic today loneliness epidemic and its impact on society and some alarming numbers that have been labeled by the surgeon general as an epidemic. And it’s staggering considering its impact on loneliness has had on our physical health as well as our mental health. It has been proven to be detrimental to our physical health just as much as smoking daily. It’s linked to increased risk of heart disease, stroke, dementia and more. So, we’re going to be talking a little bit about that with our special guest who has been here before mister Dr. Henry Emmons. How are you Doc?
Henry Emmons, MD:
I’m great. Thanks for having me back.
David Freeman:
Oh, yeah. Giving a little background on Dr. Henry Emmons, he’s an integrative psychiatrist who integrates mind, body, and natural therapies, mindfulness and neuroscience in his clinical work. Dr. Henry is author of The Chemistry of Joy and also The Chemistry of Calm and the founder of NaturalMentalHealth.com, a website that’s devoted to making integrative mental health resources accessible, affordable, and empowering. And you can hear more from Dr. Henry on his weekly Joy Lab Podcast at Joylab.coach. So, welcome back. How have you been?

Henry Emmons, MD:
I’ve been really good. Yeah, keeping busy like everyone, right?

David Freeman:
Yeah. You changing lives over there?

Henry Emmons, MD:
Well, we’re sure trying. We’re working at it, you bet.

Jamie Martin:
Doing the work.

Henry Emmons, MD:
Trying to spread joy.

Jamie Martin:
Yes, yes. Well, let’s kick off. We really want to talk about loneliness and Dr. Emmons, like, just let’s talk right from the start. Like, why loneliness is a problem and the effects if can have on our health both physical and mental.

Henry Emmons, MD:
Yeah, well, you know I think that the sense of being isolated or separate or lonely is clearly one of the biggest drivers of the mental health crisis, you know, what we’re seeing in my world of working with depression and anxiety. But also as David pointed out in the intro, it’s impacting people at all kinds of levels and it’s, I think it’s becoming better known that this is a really big deal. It’s having a huge impact on our society.

David Freeman:
So, Doc, for our listeners, who maybe don’t know this, when you talk about loneliness what exactly is the difference between that and then isolation or like solitude?

Henry Emmons, MD:
Yeah. You know, I think when you hear those terms most people probably lump them together and don’t see that there’s a big difference, but I think it might be worth just parsing it out a little bit. So, to me isolation is really the problem that triggers all of the others. So, in other words, there is a difference between being lonely and isolated, because you can feel lonely even if you’re with a crowd of people, you know, I think a lot of people have had that experience. Isolation is different and I think we all got like this huge taste of isolation during the COVID lockdown, right, and that was, for many of us, probably the first time in our lives we’ve really felt that separated from other people.

We might come back and talk more about that later, but isolation you know for some people it’s a very hard problem to breakthrough, because in fact they are really on their own. Elderly, for example, or people living alone or people you know who just aren’t able to connect with other people on a day-to-day basis. Loneliness, I think, is the emotion that comes from that. So, I think of that as the feeling and it’s a, it’s a bad feeling, you know. It’s one of those feelings that will take you down and drive something like depression really, really strongly. Solitude, which you mentioned too, solitude to me has a much more positive spin to it, at least it can.

You know some people don’t feel that way, like the super extroverts don’t ever want solitude, but for the other 80 or 90 percent of us, who aren’t way out there on the spectrum of extroversion, we like a little time to ourselves, you know, it’s something that can really feed us. It certainly does feed me and so sometimes, you know, I long for a little time alone, downtime or you know reflective time, but it could be as simple as just, just hanging out by yourself and not doing anything too just helping to recharge those batteries. Well, I’ll say one more thing about, about loneliness and isolation and that is that there is actual isolation, where you in fact don’t see other people, and then there’s also the perception of isolation. In other words, you might see yourself as being separated from other people even if you’re not physically separated, you know.

So, in other words, it can happen both in your actual life and it also can happen mainly in your mind, in your thinking. So, this is something that we might want to, you know, say more about later, but it’s really important that people also address this perception of being separate from other people. Because that too can create that feeling of loneliness, that sense of, which is a painful thing. It’s an emotionally painful thing whether it’s real or not, that’s kind of the paradox of it. It can be created just in our own inner experience without being true at an actual physical level.

David Freeman:
Jamie, if I can, I just want to throw one more thing. So, Doc, when we’re coming into life, as far as a child’s early stages, because I guess this, that perception thing stood out to me of what you just said that sense of belonging, right. You might look at a group and say I want to be a part of that or I want to go to play with them. I’m talking from a kid-like mindset. So, how early does that start of that desire of sense of belonging?

Henry Emmons, MD:
Yeah, I think you absolutely hit it on the head with that phrase. It’s a sense of belonging that is kind of the opposite of this belief that we’re separated from each other. And I think that this is something we are born with, I think it’s there from the very minute, the first minute of life, and I think that you know even young kids have a very strong sense of that. And you know one of the, one of the tragedies of a really difficult childhood is that it’s kind of hard to, it’s hard to undo a sense of being really on your own, you know, and not belonging as a child. You know kids really need that. They thrive on it. It’s kind of like the air we breathe, you know, we’ve got to have connection. I think it’s woven into our beings.

Jamie Martin:
Well and that really gets into like social connection is so essential. This is actually something that the surgeon general just talked about, it’s at the top of its report that was just recently released basically on loneliness, and that had some calls to action for all of us. So, can you talk a little bit about that recent report and what came out in that?

Henry Emmons, MD:
Yes. And just a shout out to Dr. Murthy, I think he’s such a great surgeon general and you know I love that he did this, because it does it really shines a light on this problem that we’ve known in the mental health world for a long time as a big, big issue. But his report is awesome because it really points out that, you know, this is a public health risk. This is an issue that we need to address systematically, you know, within our culture, our society, because it’s impacting people’s health and well being at so many levels including, you know as you mentioned earlier, the physical level. It’s got at least a strong of an impact on physical health as a lot of the other things we have addressed systematically like, you know, tobacco use and so forth. So, it is great that we’re putting this in the spotlight for a while here and hopefully it’s going to lead to some really systemic changes.

Jamie Martin:
Absolutely. And we’re going to link to that report on the show notes page with this so everyone can take a look. It’s a really amazing website with great kind of interactivity and its super engaging if you want to learn more there. So, you alluded to the pandemic and so I want to talk a little bit about that. Because I think a lot of experts would’ve said even prior to the pandemic we were on this trend towards more people feeling lonely. In my view, probably social media is _____ (00:09:57), you know, and technology are kind of in that as well. I mean, I think in many cases we often feel this false sense of connection through social media, because we think we’re connected or we see updates from everybody. But what are your thoughts on that and what role is you know our current connected digitally world having on this epidemic that we’re in?

Henry Emmons, MD:
Right, right. You know, I think this is a great example where technology is racing way ahead of the human capacity to keep up with it. And so I don’t think our brains or our hearts are wired for this digital connectivity, you know, in the way that we’re seeing. And so, it’s a real paradox to me that we are hyperconnected in ways that our world, in the world that were never possible before and yet people are feeling much more isolated and lonely. And as you pointed out, it happened even before the pandemic. It’s been coming on for a while. So, I do think that, that this artificial sense of connection is not a replacement for actual, bonafide, you know, real life in-person connection with people. And I’m not saying it’s always bad either, but if it’s a replacement for other forms of connection it’s just not going to, I don’t think it’s ever going to work.

David Freeman:
So, let’s go back to some calls to action then, right, we want to give our listeners some checklist items, if you will. I know we talked a little bit about our children going through, you know, the pandemic and suffering a lot from that lack of connection with their peers. And then what Jamie just hit on, which you were just talking about, this false sense of connection through, whether it’s TikTok, YouTube TV, whatever it is, and we see these kids just on it two, three, four, five hours a day. And now when you take those things away it’s almost like this addiction, and I’m speaking from personal experience.

Henry Emmons, MD:
Oh, we’ve all been there.

David Freeman:
Yeah. Hey, I’m going to just go, I’m going to go do this work-related thing real quick, here goes the iPad or here goes the phone and then when we come back after that work even of two to three hours and we just hear straight silence and they’re just consuming, consuming, consuming. And then when you take it away it’s almost like you’re, their identity has been so connected to whatever it is that they’re watching that they, now YouTube and TikTok is teaching our kids about life, these are air quotes I’m throwing out there. So, when you try to now interject yourself with discipline or structure it’s like we’re behind. So, what are some great tips, some calls to actions when we talk about loneliness? I know I talked about the kids just now, but just parents, adults that need it as well, I’m sure. Help us out here, Doc.

Henry Emmons, MD:
Well, I think it’s, I think it’s really helpful for us to take some ownership over this, for each of us you know individually, to realize that if even though there might be, you know, really true ways in which we’re kind of isolated or separated from other people, we still play a role in it. So, we’ve got to, we’ve got to own it just like we have to take ownership of our own exercise program and nutrition. You know, we’ve got to, we’ve got to look at this as something that we can do something about, and we can plan for and we can create a program or what have you. So, I think, you know really, really owning our part in it. And then if we’re a parent, you know, realizing that you know the sense of belonging and connection might be one of the most important things you can give to your kid’s right from the start, right from the get-go, so thinking about ways to do that.

And then I really believe that, like so many things we think are important and need to be planned for, that we can start with our own minds here. In other words, we can create a plan, a blueprint for connecting with other people. So, doing some form of imagining what would a real rich community and sense of belonging, what would it look like for me? What would it feel like? Who would I want to be in it? So, you know, it doesn’t have to be a formal meditation kind of thing, but just taking a few minutes to do sort of a, you know, guided form, some sort of informal guided imagery where you’re using your creative imagination in a really positive, healthy way.

I think it’s helpful to write things down, you know like you would any sort of plan that you might want to follow, and then you know really thinking through these different circles of belonging. Again, staying with this idea of belonging, who are the people in my world that I really want to be in that core inner circle and are those relationships where I want them to be, and if not what can I do to make them stronger? This is you know maybe just a, even one or two people that are going to be really, really close. And then the next circle outside of that, who are the people that are still really important to me that I want to interact with regularly and what can I do to strengthen those relationships?

And then maybe go out another layer to the people that you work with or you encounter regularly that are still important to you and you know just kind of going out, like a pond with a pebble in it, and you think about these different circles of belonging and connecting and trying to think about ways to strengthen each of those. There’s really interesting research even on this outer layer, let’s say somebody that you, you’ve never met before, but you encounter at the coffee shop or in line at the grocery store or something else, you can have these brief but meaningful or pleasant encounters that can have a really positive impact on your mental health. There’s really strong interesting research on this, but again I think it’s got to be real, authentic, in person or at least talking you know. It can’t be only virtual.

Jamie Martin:
Right, right. So, I love that you just brought up those micro-moments that’s the work I’m assuming you’re referring to Barbara Frederickson and some of her micro-moments work. We’ve got some upcoming content at Experience Life that’s going to touch on this a little bit, but I think what’s so, I don’t know, I think it’s such a good reminder for how we show up in the day-to-day and connect with individuals we know are those closest to us, but then also those strangers. Because even those little connections or touchpoints can combat loneliness for people if they’re feeling like, if somebody feels seen or acknowledged, like, I feel like that’s a little bit of a, just a little bit of a move in the right direction. So, anyway, I love that you brought her work in and we’ll make sure to link to that as well.

David Freeman:
So, I like to always recap what you say, Doc, so the people who are listening can take notes. So, you said take ownership of our time, be intentional. As far as those parents out there time with kids make sure you’re present, right, not just existing but actually present. I like this one here create a blueprint for connections, so a visualization type practice. And then writing things down to help support that vision. Who are the people in your world that add value to the purpose in your life? And then how I now can serve others and support once all the following items that were just mentioned have a strong foundation? Does that sound about right with all that I said, Doc?

Henry Emmons, MD:
You know, I love your recaps of my, what I’ve said because it makes them better than I said them. You added some stuff that was great. I love it, thanks.

Jamie Martin:
Well, we could talk on this topic all day long. We know it’s really an important part of health and well-being and again, to your point Dr. Emmons, it’s not just mental health it’s physical health, it’s emotional health, it’s all the things. So, we are going to point to all these resources Dr. Emmons. You know we’re going to have you back on again, but anything else you would just want to add on this before we sign off?

Henry Emmons, MD:
Well, just that this might be the single best thing you could do for your health overall is to focus on connection and belonging.

Jamie Martin:
Love it. And like everything we have to practice, right, it takes reps and repetition. David we go to that all the time, so how do we practice this, and reflect on it and bring more of it into our lives. So, thank you Dr. Emmons. If people want to follow more of your work they can find you on NaturalMentalHealth.com and Joylab.coach.

Henry Emmons, MD:
Thank you.

David Freeman:
Thanks, doctor. Thanks for joining us for this episode. As always, we’d love to hear your thoughts on our conversation today, and how you approach this aspect of healthy living in your own life. What works for you? Where do you run into challenges? Where do you need help?

Jamie Martin:
And if you have topics for future episodes, you can share those with us, too. Email us at LTTalks@lifetime.life, or reach out to us on Instagram @lifetime.life, @jamiemartinel, and @freezy30, and use the hashtag #lifetimetalks. You can also learn more about the podcast at Experiencelife.lifetime.life/podcasts.

David Freeman:
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Jamie Martin:
Thanks for listening. We’ll talk to you next time on Life Time Talks.

Life Time Talks is a production of Life Time Healthy Way of Life. It is produced by Molly Kopischke and Sara Ellingsworth, with audio engineering by Peter Perkins, video production and editing by Kevin Dixon, sound and video consulting by Coy Larson, and support from George Norman and the rest of the team at Life Time Motion.

David Freeman:
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