Have you ever found yourself lying awake at night, stewing over a hurtful thing that someone said or did? This is resentment, a ruminative blend of disappointment, anger, bitterness, and disapproval. The word comes from the French ressentir, which originally meant “to feel again.”
“We cycle through old negative feelings or revisit old wrongs done to us by others,” explains meditation teacher Sharon Salzberg in her book Real Change: Mindfulness to Heal Ourselves and the World. “And do it again. And again. It’s as if each offending incident is captured on a video that loops in our minds.”
There can be satisfaction in holding on to grievances. It may offer a feeling of security — as if keeping these memories fresh could protect us from being hurt in the same way again. Yet the walls of resentment can also leave us trapped, unable to connect with others or grow past the harms we’ve experienced.
That’s why Salzberg believes that when we can forgive others, we free ourselves. “Forgiveness is the way we break the grip resentment has on our hearts,” she writes in her essay “Forgiveness Can Be Bittersweet.”
Yet sometimes we’ve armored our hearts for good reason. Many harms are serious and lasting. We may feel like forgiving would put us or someone we care about in harm’s way. This is where it can help to clarify what forgiveness really means.
“It doesn’t have to mean — it shouldn’t mean — wiping the slate clean, pretending something didn’t happen, pretending something didn’t hurt,” says Salzberg. “Maybe it really hurt a lot, and it’s consequential.”
But when we become consumed by thoughts of people who have hurt us, they live rent-free in our minds, she says. This only adds to our burden.
Forgiveness can allow us to lighten our own load without sanctioning others’ mistakes.
“If we decide to embark on a path of forgiveness, a great deal of it is for the sake of our own relief from suffering,” says Salzberg. “And it doesn’t mean you may not take strong action to protect yourself or protect others.”
Here’s how that looks in practice.
Forgiveness Is a Process
While the classical model of forgiveness involves one party apologizing and the other party accepting that apology, the real experience doesn’t have to mean letting someone off the hook.
“Although frequently confused with forgetting, acceptance, condoning, excusing, pardoning, and denying anger, forgiveness is none of these,” writes Suzanne Freedman, PhD, an expert on interpersonal forgiveness, in an article for the online magazine of the Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley.
“When we forgive, we decrease our negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors toward the offender,” she explains. “Depending on the situation, sometimes forgiveness involves simply wishing the offender well.”
Many of us were raised to forgive and forget, which makes perfect sense for minor squabbles. But that strategy is often not possible and sometimes not advisable for more serious harms.
Reconciliation and repair are relational acts that require two parties to participate. Forgiveness, by contrast, is an internal state.
“I would hesitate to buy into systems that sort of say you have to forgive,” says Salzberg, adding that her friend and colleague Sylvia Boorstein, PhD, a psychotherapist and Buddhist teacher, has a useful phrase: Forgiveness does not mean amnesia.
“Forgiveness is not something we can demand, perform, or bestow on command,” says clinical psychologist Yvette Erasmus, PsyD, who hosts a podcast called Conversations From the Heart. “It is a shift in perspective that may emerge as we metabolize our pain and come to understand what drives harmful behavior, both in ourselves and in others.”
And while forgiveness can mean reconciling, it does not need to.
Erasmus notes that you might picture people shaking hands or hugging when you hear the term “forgiveness,” but that’s actually a different process. These are gestures of repair, a further step that you may or may not want to take.
Reconciliation and repair are relational acts that require two parties to participate. Forgiveness, by contrast, is an internal state. “I can do it without the participation of the other person,” Erasmus says. “I don’t need the other person necessarily to see what they did wrong or to change.”
How to Forgive
Authentic forgiveness can be powerful, but it may take some time. These guidelines can help.
Slow down. It hurts to be in conflict — especially with those we love. And many of us were taught to say we’re sorry or offer forgiveness automatically, without considering whether those actions match the feelings we still have.
When we try to forgive too quickly, we may be bypassing things that need our attention, says Erasmus. “We need to learn and understand about our own boundaries, other people’s boundaries, and what needs to be recalibrated.”
If you feel compelled to forgive someone before you’re ready, take a beat. You can be kind when you tell them you’re not quite there yet. You are doing what’s best for the relationship when you take the time you need.
Take care of yourself. In the aftermath of a significant painful event, your own healing is the top priority, says Erasmus. The relationship can wait.
“With larger, more traumatic experiences, forgiveness is never the first step, and whether it becomes the goal is really up to the individual,” she explains. “First we need to grieve and metabolize the harm that was done.”
This can play out in any number of ways. You can take time off from the relationship, talk to a professional counselor or coach, or even seek out focused trauma treatment.
Studies find that meditative practices like mindfulness and lovingkindness meditation, in which you wish yourself and other people well, have helped some veterans relieve symptoms of PTSD. Even something as straightforward as exercise may help heal trauma.
Decide what forgiveness means to you. You could call your gesture forgiveness or letting go — or neither of these things. A friend of mine shares the story of how, after a painful divorce, she was relieved when her rabbi told her she wasn’t required to forgive her ex-husband.
“Moving on? Yes. Freeing myself from focusing on it? Yes. But forgiveness? Not my problem,” my friend says.
“No one owes forgiveness to somebody else as part of their recovery,” Erasmus notes, pointing out that the deepest work of reclaiming is about setting ourselves free, whatever we decide to call it.
You may need to let go more than once. “If the pain was deep, you will have to let it go many times,” the poet Yung Pueblo has written. Healing from deep emotional pain is not a one-time event, he explains, but a nonlinear unfolding.
“Unloading the mental weight of past hurt is never easy, but it is possible, especially when we feel ready for a great transformation,” he writes.
Decide your own course. Forgiveness might mean telling someone you forgive them, or not. It can open the door to reconciliation, but that isn’t required. The words you use and the actions you take are up to you. The goal is simply to set yourself free from the grievance.
“I think it’s important to understand that something like forgiveness or working on compassion toward someone doesn’t mandate a certain course of action,” says Salzberg. “It doesn’t mean you have to visit them, doesn’t mean you have to spend time with them, doesn’t mean you have to let them move back in.”
Set your boundaries. Some people in our lives require us to have stronger boundaries if we’re going to spend time around them. Forgiving these people for their mistakes doesn’t mean we give up our discernment or choose their needs over ours.
“When we forgive somebody, it doesn’t remove our need to be protected or to be safe,” Erasmus notes. “We need to be able to set limits to nurture the kind of relationship we actually want to be in.”
This might mean scaling back how often you see someone who is prone to self-centered behavior. Or sticking to safe public topics with a friend or family member who can’t resist gossiping.
Advocating for yourself builds self-trust. It’s also the foundation for healthier, more authentic relationships with others.
(See “How to Set Clear Boundaries” for more on boundary setting.)
Preventing Resentment
We all benefit from emotional honesty and authentic, respectful self-expression — not least because they can help prevent resentments from developing. Some tools can help you head off resentment at the pass.
Give yourself permission to feel. If a friend shows up late and you feel a flicker of resentment, see what happens if you gently investigate the feeling. Sometimes, according to mindfulness meditation experts, simply noticing an emotion allows it to dissipate like a cloud passing in the sky. Other times, resentment could be a cue that we need to advocate for ourselves.
Ask for what you need. Feeling helpless and fixating on someone else’s misstep may be a sign that you need to address things, especially if it’s a pattern. When bringing up sensitive topics, avoid judgment and blame: You’re never on time!
Instead, keep it focused on feelings, needs, and solutions: I feel a little hurt when you’re late. I need to keep my lunch breaks under an hour. Can you please be on time next week?
“We’re going to bat for care,” notes therapist Yvette Erasmus, PsyD. “We’re not going to bat for rightness or wrongness. And when we’re asking for care, we’re in a relational frame.”
Nip grudges in the bud. Some of us hold on to hurt feelings hoping they’ll go away, but this usually has the opposite effect: They get bigger.
“We have to start talking about stuff sooner,” says licensed therapist and relationship expert Nedra Glover Tawwab, author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace. “When we don’t, sometimes our gripes are as long as a CVS receipt.”
If you find yourself avoiding a loved one or colleague who offended you, or talking about their behavior to others, clearing the air can often help you relate to them again.
Wait to respond. Slow down and take a beat before you react to a slight. Take a few deep breaths to regulate yourself. Then, instead of feeling helpless or assuming the worst about the other person (both of which are usually efforts to protect yourself from more pain), remind yourself about some of their good qualities. All of this can set you up to represent yourself during a hard conversation in a way that’s relational rather than defensive. (Practicing healthy emotional expression helps us to acknowledge our emotions without letting them control us. See “4 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Expressing a Strong Emotion” to help you determine the most appropriate way to express your feelings in any situation.)
Practicing Self-Forgiveness
We all make mistakes — some are small, others more consequential. At these times we often judge ourselves far more harshly than we would other people, says meditation teacher Sharon Salzberg. “We would never speak to a friend or even a stranger in the way we speak to ourselves,” she notes.
Our mistakes can also be excellent opportunities to learn, both how we want to be and how we don’t. And getting stuck in shame prevents us from learning. So next time you find yourself down the rabbit hole of self-recrimination, try these tips. They can put your actions in a healthier perspective.
Let yourself feel guilty.
In healthy doses, guilt can be an adaptive emotion, moving us to be accountable and to make amends. So don’t be in too big a hurry to let yourself off the hook when someone shows you that they’re hurt. Take some time to feel the impact of that. From there, any amends you offer are apt to be more genuine — and you might be less likely to make the same mistake again.
Explore your needs and motivations.
When we lash out or engage in other regrettable behavior, we’re often operating from unconscious self-protective strategies, explains therapist Yvette Erasmus, PsyD.
So if you’ve gone beyond healthy guilt and are stuck in a cycle of shame and blame, see if you can investigate your missteps with curiosity instead. Some questions you might ask yourself: When I did this thing, what did I need? How did I feel? What, or who, was I trying to protect? What mattered to me?
Make amends.
Forgiving yourself can become easier once you’ve taken responsibility for your actions and offered your apologies. This could mean making a phone call or writing a long-overdue email.
If you have reason to believe it would be more harmful than helpful for someone to hear from you, you can also consider a “living amends” — practicing new behaviors with others based on what you’ve learned from your mistakes. Whichever path you choose, hold yourself in compassion.
“Nothing is unforgivable,” mindfulness teachers Valerie Mason-John, MA, and Paramabandhu Groves, MBBS, MRCPsych, write in Eight Step Recovery: Using the Buddha’s Teachings to Overcome Addiction. “We have to start from where we are, and spring-clean our minds.”
Practice lovingkindness toward yourself.
We always can turn a more forgiving eye toward ourselves by practicing lovingkindness meditation, Salzberg explains in Finding Your Way: Meditation, Thoughts, and Wisdom for Living an Authentic Life.
This practice involves the silent repetition of phrases intended to cultivate warmth and compassion for oneself and others, such as: May I be safe, may I be happy, may I be healthy, may I live with ease of heart.
“There’s nothing special you need to do to deserve this kind of acknowledgment or care,” Salzberg writes. “You deserve it simply because you exist.”
Embrace the Lessons
The satisfaction and freedom found in forgiving others is often hard-won, like many forms of wisdom. It involves discovering how the imperfections and difficulties in relationships can make us who we are — and who we want to be.
“If we can find a way to forgive and free our hearts,” writes Salzberg, “we are saying life is bigger, we are bigger, we are stronger than the hurt and the feelings around it.”
This article originally appeared as “Unburden Your Heart” in the November/December 2026 issue of Experience Life.
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