If we’re lucky, we’ll get older than we are now.
And yet, when we reach what is euphemistically called “a certain age” — somewhere north of 55 — cultural messages tell us that we’re not so lucky after all. We forfeit our membership in advertisers’ coveted demographic (18 to 34 or 49, depending on the product); we’re less likely to be hired and more likely to be let go; we’re considered to be on the downward slide of life.
People start calling us “young man” or “young lady” in a slightly surreal effort to buck us up, and we may start getting birthday cards that turn our supposed decline into a punchline.
This is ageism. It’s so common and socially permitted that it doesn’t seem to be in the same league as other prejudices, yet its effects can be just as damaging.
Ageism can harm a person’s mental health by engendering cynical, hopeless attitudes and self-talk. A study published in 2022 found that experiencing ageism is associated with an increased risk of depressive symptoms and even chronic health problems.
And it pervades our lives: In a 2019 poll, 93 percent of respondents between the ages of 50 and 80 said they have experienced ageism.
Ageism isn’t a problem only for the over-55s, of course; it’s also at play when we assume that someone is too young for a task or role without inquiring about their skills and qualifications. It’s any judgment on the basis of age. But it’s particularly harmful to older people.
What should we do, then, when we’re confronted by expressions of ageism? And how can we root it out from our own consciousness — however old we are?
Brooklyn-based writer and activist Ashton Applewhite, author of This Chair Rocks: A Manifesto Against Ageism, suggests we start by taking the issue seriously. “Some people say that ageism is the last socially acceptable prejudice,” she says. “I’m not one of them, because no prejudice is acceptable.”
Stress Source
You don’t recognize ageism as harmful. Ageism is so normalized that it often flies under the radar. “It goes unexamined,” says Applewhite.
You ignore ageism because you don’t want to think about aging. “There are aspects of aging that are not welcome,” Applewhite acknowledges. “There are tons of things about it that are not under our control. But painting it over with clichés, or saying, ‘I just don’t want to think about it,’ does us no favors. When we avoid or skirt around something and tuck it back in the closet or under the bed where the monsters lie, it retains its hold over us.”
Internalized ageism gets in the way. Because age does bring physical, mental, and emotional changes, ageist attitudes may seem rooted in truth. This promotes internalized bias, which can follow us as we age.
“If you believe ageist stereotypes, then you are less likely to respect yourself,” Applewhite says. “You are less likely to take good care of yourself and to speak up if you think you have been treated in a way that is unacceptable. All those things become self-reinforcing — a vicious cycle.”
It’s difficult to object to ageism when it comes across as a joke or seems well-meaning. Ageist remarks are often presented in a lighthearted fashion — in phrases like “over the hill” and “old goat,” and in jokes about “wacky” memory-loss scenarios. Euphemisms like “golden-ager” seem respectful, yet they actually isolate older people in age-based silos. You may worry that calling it out can make you seem like a killjoy or a nag.
You don’t know how to respond to ageism in family or business contexts. These circumstances can make pointing out ageism more complicated. Within families, ageist banter may be a habit that some relatives see as a way of bonding. Meanwhile, standing up to a boss or a colleague may feel threatening to work relationships.
Success Strategies
Examine the ways you think and talk about aging. This is the first and most essential step in resisting ageism, Applewhite says.
She recommends that we ask ourselves what aging means to us. Answers may include diminished power and physical decline, or better judgment and a release from social pressures. “And then, think about how you use the words ‘old’ and ‘young.’ For example, do you say, ‘I don’t feel old’? What does that really mean? It probably means you don’t feel ugly, you don’t feel useless, you don’t feel incompetent. You can feel any of those things at any age.”
Realize that age itself is not the issue. For Applewhite, this inquiry into what “old” means is critical to both understanding and challenging ageism.
“What’s easy or hard, possible or impossible for someone is never actually about age,” she explains. “There are always people older or younger than you who can or cannot do or feel a certain thing. You’re not too old to climb Mount Kilimanjaro. You might not be in shape. You might not have the money to get to Tanzania. You might have done it yesterday and not feel like doing it today. We need to get to the real emotion, fact, barrier, or advantage hiding behind the word ‘old.’
“Aging is a fact and it’s fine to talk about it. Where it gets murky is when we assign a value to age.”
Challenge ageism with curiosity rather than resentment. Once we accept that age alone doesn’t determine who we are and what we can do, we can use that knowledge to respond to ageist remarks.
Applewhite suggests an all-purpose rejoinder to an ageist comment — “What do you mean by that?” or “Tell me more about that” — delivered in the spirit of curiosity and inquiry rather than shame and blame.
“What you want to provoke is a moment of self-reflection,” she says. “If someone says, ‘I feel so old,’ you can ask, ‘What does that mean to you?’”
Try a clever comeback. “When somebody tells me, ‘You look good for your age,’ I simply say, ‘And you look good for yours!’” Applewhite says.
Recognize that resisting ageism is hard. “Nothing about this is easy,” she acknowledges. We’re barraged by negative aging messages from childhood on. These become part of our identities — unless we stop to challenge them. “A bias like ageism is deeply ingrained, and changing habits takes work.”
Applewhite acknowledges that challenging ageism takes courage. “And if you do not feel safe making a challenge like this, especially to a superior, then — no judgment. We’ve all got to do this in our own way. But if we don’t have these conversations, nothing changes.”
This article originally appeared as “An Age-Old Problem” in the September/October 2026 issue of Experience Life.
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