When it comes to love, Julia is always waiting for the other shoe to drop. No matter how many times her husband reassures her, she can’t seem to trust that he’s fully committed.
Robert has been in only a handful of relationships. As soon as things get serious, he starts to feel smothered. Past partners have described him as standoffish and insensitive.
Cassandra’s last relationship ended warmly after she and her ex realized they were better off as friends. Now casually dating, she’s content getting to know people at an easy pace.
Was Julia born apprehensive and Robert aloof? Did Cassandra luck into her easygoing attitude?
Attachment theory suggests early childhood experiences better explain these differing relationship styles — and a new study offers some of the richest evidence to date.
Researchers at the University of Minnesota tracked more than 700 participants and their families for roughly three decades. Trained observers assessed parent-child dynamics beginning in infancy, appraising parents’ responsiveness, supportiveness, and ability to soothe their distressed child. The researchers regularly checked in with the children as they moved through adolescence and adulthood, gauging the quality of their interpersonal relationships and general functioning over time.
They found that children raised by soothing, encouraging caregivers were more likely to form healthy relationships throughout their lives. From childhood friendships to adult romance, these individuals navigated relationships more easily than those raised by parents who didn’t provide the same support.
“This study offers some of the clearest evidence that early life experience directly impacts later experience,” says study coauthor Jeffry Simpson, PhD, a University of Minnesota professor of psychology.
An “Enduring Residue”
The University of Minnesota study builds on more than a half-century of research on attachment.
By comparing mothers’ parenting styles — in the 1950s and ’60s, mothers were considered the default caregiver — with their infants’ manner of response to unfamiliar situations, psychologists began to recognize certain patterns.
Children raised by mothers who were inconsistent or unreliable — smothering their child with attention one moment, disregarding them the next — tended to act like Julia: easily distressed and unable to self-soothe. The researchers described this style as anxious or ambivalent attachment.
When a mother repeatedly rejected or ignored her child, that child was likely to demonstrate an avoidant attachment style. Learning early on that adults can’t be relied on for help, these children tended to be distant, disinterested, and excessively independent, just like Robert.
Attachment theory suggests that early childhood experiences help explain these differing relationship styles.
In contrast to the avoidant and anxious — collectively referred to as “insecure” — styles, kids whose mothers encouraged them to explore yet provided comfort when the child was distressed were more likely to act like Cassandra: adaptable, trusting, and self-confident. These individuals formed a secure attachment style.
A fourth style, disorganized attachment, incorporates elements of the anxious and avoidant types and often stems from a childhood characterized by trauma or abuse. Most research focuses on the first three styles.
Building on these early findings, psychologists hit on another major discovery: Attachment styles persist throughout our lives.
Those who established secure attachment as infants tend to continue to demonstrate secure behaviors in other relationships. Imbued with the ability to both give and receive support, these individuals are more likely to navigate friendships, romantic partnerships, and other relationships with confidence and resilience throughout the course of their lives.
Meanwhile, insecurely attached infants tend to replicate their anxious or avoidant behaviors in subsequent relationships: Their excessive dependence or independence echoes through adolescence and adulthood.
In short, attachment research shows that parenting style not only predicts attachment style, but it also predicts relationship health throughout the rest of one’s life.
Or as Simpson puts it, “Our childhood leaves an enduring residue.”
Room to Grow
Interactions with caregivers in early childhood may set a template for our relational patterns, but those patterns aren’t carved in stone.
For one thing, attachment styles are both chronic and state-based. “Chronic” describes our general way of behaving over time and across relationships; “state-based,” a temporary response to specific situations.
“Even a securely attached person can revert to insecure attachment behaviors if they feel stressed or overwhelmed,” explains Simpson.
Change flows in the other direction too. For example, in his research on the transition to parenting, Simpson has found that becoming a parent often compels avoidant individuals to cultivate more secure behaviors.
“They’re forced to show up and be consistent for their child, and they usually need to rely on their partner more than they ever have before,” he explains. “This can lead to less avoidance over time.”
Those raised by less-than-ideal parents can also take comfort in knowing that parents are not the only ones who shape our relational blueprint.
“Friendships also influence our attachment style,” explains Simpson. “Peer relationships in elementary school and adolescence teach us how to trust and rely on others.”
Research shows that romantic relationships, too, especially during the formative years of adolescence and early adulthood, can add new roads to our mental maps, ideally ones that lead us toward a more secure and trusting outlook.
Psychologists call these kinds of second chances “corrective experiences” — emotional do-overs that allow us to relearn what trust and security can look like.
Corrective experiences don’t necessarily change our attachment style, but they enable us to find new and healthier ways of existing within it. This includes being more aware of our needs and willing to express them, as well as being better equipped to meet those needs on our own.
“Over time, we can also learn to embody secure attachment more naturally so that when we get stressed or triggered by something in our lives, we don’t automatically follow the insecurely attached thoughts, feelings, and actions that don’t serve us well,” writes Diane Poole Heller, PhD, in her book The Power of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting Intimate Relationships.
Poole Heller encourages individuals to cultivate a more innate ability to self-regulate through skills like meditation, exercise, and self-compassion.
“We can’t change our factual history, of course, but we can change the rules, roles, meanings, beliefs, and coping tactics we formed based on the original events,” she contends.
A Note for Parents
Soothing words and a steady supply of hugs go a long way in helping kids feel safe, but it’s equally important for caregivers to help them feel confident.
Striking the balance can be tricky: Too much handholding inhibits growth; too little inhibits trust.
University of Minnesota professor of psychology Jeffry Simpson, PhD, suggests parents consider thinking of themselves as scaffolding. Like the temporary structures that support construction projects, parents should strive to help kids build problem-solving skills and learn to self-soothe without doing the work for them.
That looks different for every kid.
“Tailor your responsiveness to the individual child and the individual situation,” Simpson suggests. “Intervene when needed, then trust that it’s OK to pull back.”
It’s also OK to miss the mark at times.
“We don’t need to be perfect as parents in order to foster secure attachment in our children,” writes Diane Poole Heller, PhD, author of The Power of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting Intimate Relationships. She cites research suggesting that parents need to be attuned to their child’s needs only about 30 percent of the time to promote secure attachment.
“The attachment system is a forgiving system, and it makes a world of difference to register when we miss each other and mend when things go awry as soon as possible,” she writes.
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