Rejection is dispiriting. Whether you’ve been passed over for a job, turned down for a date, or left out of a social engagement, it can feel like a vote against your value as a person. It hurts. In fact, research shows that rejection activates the same regions of the brain that process physical pain.
Unfortunately, rejection is also inevitable and unavoidable. No one gets through life without hearing “no” from time to time. But it’s possible to learn how to handle these instances without losing faith in ourselves so we can continue setting goals and striving for them.
Psychotherapist Elayne Savage, PhD, author of Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing With Rejection, has some suggestions for how to reframe rejection as an opportunity to focus on new aims. Professionally known as the Queen of Rejection, Savage says that processing the experience begins with “taking a mental step away from our immediate reaction so we’re not so wrapped up in the emotionality of it.”
Stress Source
Past experiences can make us more sensitive to rejection. Growing up, we may have felt rejected by family, friends, or teachers. We may have been excluded from games or singled out for criticism by a parent or other authority figure. Savage says that these early experiences can leave an emotional mark that makes us more likely to react strongly to rejection in the present, whether it’s real or imagined.
We may respond to rejection with anger. “Anger is big, powerful, and scary,” Savage says. “When it takes over, we feel out of control. It can turn into rage and resentment, which take so much energy that we lose our perspective.”
We can become trapped by shame. Savage notes that rejection can lead to feelings of shame, which can turn into self-rejection and become paralyzing. This can prevent us from sharing our feelings, processing them, and moving on in our lives.
We’re embarrassed by feelings of rejection and try to suppress them. Because rejection can make us feel “less than,” we may find it difficult to talk about our experience with other people — who might be able to help — or even think about it ourselves. “And this embarrassment can turn into added shame,” Savage points out.
We worry that we’re overreacting. When we’re told that the book club has no room for a new member or when a boss doesn’t acknowledge our hello in the morning, the painful feelings of rejection may seem foolish or illegitimate.
For many of us, early childhood experiences of rejection can go deep. “A boss ignoring us in the hallway can really hurt, because at a deep level it reminds us of a disapproving or neglectful parent,” Savage explains. Trying to ignore the feelings, or denying them, won’t help us recover from them.
We’re tempted to ruminate. Rejection may lead to a pattern of painful thinking and rethinking in which we struggle to find meaning or have trouble focusing on practical solutions. This can be as immobilizing as resentment.
Success Strategies
1) Gently examine your rejection origin story. Consider whether you often felt left out of family, school, or social groups when you were younger, Savage suggests. Are you still harboring feelings of shame or resentment about those times? Understanding the level of your sensitivity to rejection can help you keep things in perspective.
2) Remember that most rejections are not personal. It’s important to keep in mind that rejection is not a judgment of your intrinsic value. “Usually, no one’s trying to hurt us,” Savage says. “The fact that we didn’t get the job was probably due to many factors other than our personal fitness or unfitness for it. That ‘no’ from a romantic partner isn’t a denial of our value as a person.” Making a list of your past successes can help you remember your worth outside this one experience.
3) Check in with yourself. Savage suggests that when life gives you a “no” — or you feel that it has — ask yourself the following questions, in order:
- Am I feeling rejected?
- Am I taking it personally?
- Where does this feeling come from?
- Is it something old, from childhood or my family?
- Can I accept that this is probably not a total rejection?
“If you can take these steps, you probably don’t need to take any more,” she says, adding that she recommends getting professional help if you have trouble with acceptance.
Those who experience extreme emotional pain in response to rejection or disapproval may have a type of emotional response known as rejection sensitive dysphoria, which is especially common with ADHD. (Learn more about RSD here.)
4) Reframe the rejection. The next phase in the process is reframing the incident as something other than a complete rejection. “See it instead as a situation that differed from your expectations,” Savage says. “Tell yourself, I am growing resilience. I don’t have to feel vulnerable or trapped. I have choices here. Picture yourself operating out of a sense of empowerment rather than helplessness.”
5) Connect with understanding friends. Productive venting about your feelings in a safe space can be a critical step toward letting them go. “Giving words to the feelings creates some emotional distance from them, and that’s always helpful,” says Savage. People who know you well can also remind you of your strengths and suggest new areas to explore.
6) Use your voice. If you journal about the rejection, Savage suggests, read your reflections aloud to yourself. “I always encourage people to say out loud what they have learned from journaling — and from meditating too. Actually hearing your own words can be healing; it can help you feel more in control.”
7) Consider the other perspective. When you experience an interpersonal rejection, Savage says, it’s both fair and helpful to try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
For example, if someone has turned you down romantically, “perhaps they don’t want the relationship you want, or they don’t want any relationship,” she suggests. “They have a right to that point of view, and I think we have to balance the hurt that we feel with that recognition. We can’t control that point of view or that decision, but we can do something about our own response to it.”
8) Use the rejection as a learning opportunity. “Working to see what we can learn from, and gain from, a rejection can rebalance your off-balance response — especially when that response is shame or anger,” Savage notes.
For example, an experience may help you identify a hypersensitivity to rejection that could be healed by some psychotherapy. Or it could indicate that you need to emotionally prepare a bit more the next time you seek an opportunity. It might even inspire you to look in an entirely new direction for your next step.
By considering what you have learned, tough situations or rejections can inspire healing. “Seeing what we can take away from the experience opens up some space in our minds,” says Savage. “So that the feeling of rejection doesn’t have as much room to take over.”
Renewal
For more inspiration and strategies to overcome life’s challenges, please visit our Renewal department.
This article originally appeared as “Facing Rejection” in the July/August 2025 issue of Experience Life.
Comments (0)